Arranged marriages are commonplace in many countries such as Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Japan and India. The world today may have become more modernized and liberal, but it is not so for some cultures who hold true to their religious beliefs and customs. Shelina Zahra Janmohamed, the author of Love In a Headscarf writes about her 10 year quest to find a husband through the arranged marriage process. Shelina is an Oxford University graduate and she lives in London.(Click here for the article on Shelina.)
In the past, parents chose spouses for their children and the married couple would not have met or shared any knowledge of one another before their holy union. However, in most countries, times have changed and customs are more relaxed. Today, education and financial independence has led men and women to choose their suitors and make better decisions on marriage.
Typical of most arranged marriage meetings, Shelina met her suitors, who were approved by her parents, in her parents’ front rooms and in the outdoors. In the initial meetings, Shelina would exchange conversations on introductions and shared interests. (Initiating)
When both parties share a certain amount of liking for one another, more meetings are arranged and at times phone numbers are exchanged. This would give them more opportunity to share information and develop an understanding of one another. (Experimenting)
The couple would then decide if they are compatible for matrimony. Though it is impossible to predict if this union will be successful, couples with faith and support from family and friends get married. (Bonding)
To understand arranged marriages, one has to understand the cultures they originate from. Cultures that practise arranged marriages usually view family as an important form of identity and a social security net. As such, an addition to the family will be chosen based on traditions, habits and the social security benefits they can provide to the family. This practise was not meant to crush the individual’s spirit and desires but to provide children with what their family viewed as best.
While it can be argued that arranged marriages may be restricting, Shelina states,“ so is the constant wondering about whether someone is going to call you and the dreaded C word-commitment. Laying out all the issues out in the open and discussed would be a basis for a good relationship.”
Most arranged marriages do not always paint a rosy picture. Women suffer from spousal abuse, extra marital affairs and neglect leading to the stagnation of the relationship. Often these women do not find an exit to these relationships due to fear and societal pressures from family and friends.
To me arranged marriages may also be viewed as blind dating with parental involvement. Contrary to what people may believe, in the modern arranged marriages, couples meet for months or years before they decide on marriage. Therefore if pressure is not exerted by family and freedom to select suitors is given, i find no harm in taking part in matchmaking.
What are your views on modern arranged marriages? If given the opportunity would you find love through this process?
In the past, parents chose spouses for their children and the married couple would not have met or shared any knowledge of one another before their holy union. However, in most countries, times have changed and customs are more relaxed. Today, education and financial independence has led men and women to choose their suitors and make better decisions on marriage.
Typical of most arranged marriage meetings, Shelina met her suitors, who were approved by her parents, in her parents’ front rooms and in the outdoors. In the initial meetings, Shelina would exchange conversations on introductions and shared interests. (Initiating)
When both parties share a certain amount of liking for one another, more meetings are arranged and at times phone numbers are exchanged. This would give them more opportunity to share information and develop an understanding of one another. (Experimenting)
The couple would then decide if they are compatible for matrimony. Though it is impossible to predict if this union will be successful, couples with faith and support from family and friends get married. (Bonding)
To understand arranged marriages, one has to understand the cultures they originate from. Cultures that practise arranged marriages usually view family as an important form of identity and a social security net. As such, an addition to the family will be chosen based on traditions, habits and the social security benefits they can provide to the family. This practise was not meant to crush the individual’s spirit and desires but to provide children with what their family viewed as best.
While it can be argued that arranged marriages may be restricting, Shelina states,“ so is the constant wondering about whether someone is going to call you and the dreaded C word-commitment. Laying out all the issues out in the open and discussed would be a basis for a good relationship.”
Most arranged marriages do not always paint a rosy picture. Women suffer from spousal abuse, extra marital affairs and neglect leading to the stagnation of the relationship. Often these women do not find an exit to these relationships due to fear and societal pressures from family and friends.
To me arranged marriages may also be viewed as blind dating with parental involvement. Contrary to what people may believe, in the modern arranged marriages, couples meet for months or years before they decide on marriage. Therefore if pressure is not exerted by family and freedom to select suitors is given, i find no harm in taking part in matchmaking.
What are your views on modern arranged marriages? If given the opportunity would you find love through this process?
Hi Parvin :)
ReplyDeleteArranged marriages seem to be a thing of the past in our society, but a tradition which is still practised in the less developed countries such as those mentioned in your post.
I am sure the modern arranged marriages are alot less restrictive but I do not feel that it is a process which I would want to go through. Perhaps, having been exposed to people from all walks of life through school, work and the community, have caused me to be more concerned or to set certain standards towards the "ideal" partner. I do agree with you that the modern day arranged marriages may be view as just blind-dating but in my opinion, it is not something I would favor because in the long-run, I do believe that despite the reduced restrictions, there is still added pressure from the family to accept the "suitor" and I do not want to accept him just to please others.
hi parvin :)
ReplyDeletei feel that this is quite an interesting topic.
There are still several places that practise arranged marriage.
I have a friend in Saudi Arabia, and her family is very traditional, and she is depressed because she doesn't want her parents to find a husband for her.
Like many others, she wants to find someone she really loves, instead of having to do only what her parents approve of.
It can be quite stressful for both parties if it is an arranged marriage because they may not love one another in reality, and this may lead to various emotional conficts when they live together.
I feel that arranged marriage is thus not a very good thing.
However, I feel that it is still difficult to completely remove arranged marriage, because some society are really traditional, and it would be disrespectful if one does not listen to their elders. The consequences of going against one's elders may be harsh.
If you value family, arranged marriages might not be such a bad idea. Especially if you are given the freedom of rejecting the suitor if you feel that the both of you are not suitable. I've witnessed several arranged marriages and surprisingly, these couples have learnt to love each other and the commitment and loyalty evident in their relationship is quite remarkable. I guess its because love is over-rated? Compatibility and security are factors that ensure longevity in any relationship.
ReplyDeleteTrue, i share similar sentiments with what Long Long said. We should be open to an arranged marraige and I am a strong supporter of it. Look at it this way, as with arranged marriage, it is our own parents who are choosing our prespective partner. I am sure they would have our best interest at heart in their selection. They are the one who have brought us up from young and know all of our traits good and bad and thus are the two most qualified person to find a match for us.
ReplyDeleteAnd if i strongly disagree with their choice, i can always reject the proposal until they find someone who both me and parents agree to.
I guess whether we support arranged marriage or not depends on the period that we live in. The irony is, people now who choose their life partners, compared to people who entered arranged marriages in the past, have a significantly higher rate of divorce. I think that is something also worth pondering.
ReplyDeletein my opinion i NEVER will allow arranged marriages; reasons many but here are some:
ReplyDeletei believe i write the tale of my own life...in other words...i have the power to choose...and only i will choose who my life partner is...i am aware wats best for me...ready to take accountability for my own choices...i know wat i want in a relationship...i wouldnt get married for the wrong reasons like for parents or something...notice my 'i'...i believe marriage is about u...
espercially in indian culture where marriage is like an iron-clad rule...a must...i might even decide to stay single for good!
there is a systerm to it the culture and tradition as well as the process. and if problems do arise u can trace it back to the systerm which i feel somehow is a bit warpped...i feel something is wrong with the systerm...
from the article notice how we asians and the like dont have any form of parenting skills or training, in the culture at least but go on n on abt the whole process of marriage?
in conclusion, i dont believe in arranged marriages...i think...as the joker puts it...'a bad joke'
Arranged marriages is an age old practise which is not supported by many from the younger generation. Personally, i do not believe in arranged marriages as i would like to make the choice of my partner. If similar ideals, interests and affection are not present in a relationship, regardless of parental pressure, the relationship will crumble.
ReplyDeleteThe main reason why divorce rates are high in this generation is, individualistic views. These views shared by many in a relationship hamper them from giving in and putting in time and effort into the relationship for it to work. Whereas in the past people held collectivistic views where the needs are sacrificed for others in the relationhsips. Marriage was also viewed as sacred and divorce was forbidden. Therefore changing times, changed peoples beliefs and their attitude to marriage.
Although it's an interesting concept, arranged marriages don't come with the same shadows of hope anymore. I say this because of how much we have evolved and with given rise in materialism.
ReplyDeleteArranged marriages have its advantages, however if we were to live in a traditional era, it would work out. But living in an urban society brings along with it several behavioral hazards or coin a better term differences in opinion. Work, lifestyle, promotions and just coping to deal with the pressures of an urban lifestyle would all just create further distance between a couple who hardly know each other (Worse if they were to be from different worlds).
Today, the cause for splits in the man-made institution, is man itself. His destructive nature has crept into the settings of a home. Along with evolution came growth, along with growth came greed. There we have it, clashes of ego and smashed hopes of perfect union.
I'm not so much for the idea of arranged anything. Let alone marriage. If two people want to get together, they have minds of their own don't they? Why arrange when we live in chaos?